


A Different Sort of Nightingale

by ShinyHappyGoth



Series: Taking Steps [4]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack, Ficlet, Gen, Podfic Available, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Post-Canon, South Downs Cottage (Good Omens), but perfectly logical crack, if you have any ideas you're welcome to it, would be the prologue to a longer fic if I had any idea where to go with this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22310200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinyHappyGoth/pseuds/ShinyHappyGoth
Summary: You know when you start with a perfectly sensible premise, and draw from it a perfectly sensible conclusion, and then you draw a perfectly sensible conclusion from that, and somehow after a few steps you land somewhere thatwouldhave you going "How theheckdid I end uphere?" except youknowhow and it'sall completely logical?So anyway, Aziraphale and Crowley decide to take some precautions against uninvited former colleagues. Perfectly sensibly.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Taking Steps [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1522643
Comments: 18
Kudos: 107





	A Different Sort of Nightingale

The problem was, eternity was a long time.

"We can't rely on them leaving us alone _forever_ ," Aziraphale had reasoned. "And who knows how polite they'll be about it when they _do_ decide to bother us again."

"They _might_ be. We did put a pretty good scare into them. But you're right, that's no guarantee."

"What we need," Aziraphale had mused, "is some home security."

"I assume," Crowley had replied, "you're talking about a bit more than a burglar alarm."

* * *

The problem was, they were an angel and a demon trying to protect _against_ angels and demons.

"We need something we can bypass easily," Crowley had said, "but which'll catch them off guard."

"Hmm. Are you familiar with the concept of a nightingale floor?"

"鴬張り? The squeaky ones? You expect to catch angels or demons out with that?"

"With a variation on the idea. What if I were to consecrate certain floor tiles in the entryway, or paving stones around the garden? You would know which ones to avoid, but any other demons would get a hotfoot. Stealth would be out of the question, if you're anything to go by."

"...and we'd have enough time to activate proper defences. Clever. But that means I'm supposed to, what, play hopscotch every time I come home?"

"Too undignified?"

"Oh, no, not at all, angel." Crowley had grinned. "But fair's fair."

* * *

The problem was, while the rituals for consecration and conprofanation were similar in terms of overall structure, they did call for different ingredients.

"Out of the question!"

"It was your idea."

" _Consecrated_ tiles were my idea!"

"We need protection from both, and you know it."

"Yes, but I only need olive oil for mine, I can get that at the farmer's market! Whereas _yours_ …"

"Technically, I could get mine at the farmer's market too."

" _You will do no such thing!_ "

"It's really not as big a deal as you're making it out to be, angel."

"A ritual calling for _blood of the innocent_ is _not a big deal_?!"

"I don't actually need to _kill_ anyone for it."

"You are not even to _injure_ anyone!"

"You're making this much more difficult than it needs to be."

" _Crowley!_ "

"Relax, I'm kidding. Got a perfectly harmless Plan C."

" _What_ were Plans—"

"Look, do you want to help me with this, or are you happier not knowing?"

"I'm _absolutely_ happier not knowing, but if you insist on this, I am coming with you to make sure no one gets hurt. You _or_ anyone else."

* * *

Which is how Aziraphale found himself in Lambeth, preparing to help rob the Evelina London Children's Hospital.

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah, obviously this is the prologue to some kind of ridiculous heist caper, but that is all I know. If anyone is inspired to pick that up and run with it, by all means do! A friend of the medical persuasion has advised me that their best bet if they don’t want to lean too heavily on miracles is probably an outpatient phlebotomy clinic, rather than the inpatient wards, and they _will_ want to get the blood before it’s been used for lab work if they want it to still be in a properly bloodlike state. Have fun!
> 
> I had already had this idea when [Neil suggested the word "conprofanated"](https://neil-gaiman.tumblr.com/post/189105865346/after-me-and-my-friend-saw-good-omens-i-knew-i-had) in response to a question about the concept!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] A Different Sort of Nightingale](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22873708) by [ShinyHappyGoth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinyHappyGoth/pseuds/ShinyHappyGoth)




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